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"We had beautifully manicured grounds," she added, "and the dwarf had dug tunnels beneath the shrubbery."

"That commercial," says a spokeswoman for the Southern Poverty Law Center, "really was the start of it all. We were clearly witnessing micro-white supremacy at the time and just didn't realize it. She was wearing cutoff denim jean shorts, too. This signals that only her genes are worthy and those of minorities should be cut off. The message couldn't be more obvious."

AOC responded on X, writing: “Wow!! So humbled by this honor. Remember: science is about feelings, not facts. 🧠💖 #AmoebaAlly”

"All we can say," stated White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, "is that the President has confirmed that he did have another brother and that the infant was indeed named Dominus Trump. The family believed he had perished in the ICU shortly after birth. There will be no questions taken at this time."

Travis Kelce's brother seemed unsurprised when asked to comment. “Wake up, sheeple,” says Jason Kelce, eating a $27 avocado toast. "They’ve been blending love and lime juice to keep you docile.”

State officials estimate the hologram will cost taxpayers roughly $9.3 million to install, with ongoing costs covered by reallocating funds from rural highway maintenance and wildfire prevention. Kotek is counting on a gas tax hike in a September special session to cover shortfalls.

“He lived loud, died loud, and we’re pretty sure he’s currently confusing the hell out of the afterlife,” she said. “He probably asked St. Peter where the tour bus.”

"Real American" will play through the hallway inside the main entrance where visitors will be given a souvenir WWF Champion belt to wear as they march to their destination.

When her cancer began to spread, she opted to carry the baby to 25 weeks ... The couple, however, wanted a baby delivered at 38 weeks.

Said Justice Rebecca A. Duncan, "You can't prevent someone from running for office just because he dresses like a dip - no matter how many times he has run."

Rep. Kropf was equally perplexed. “I didn’t even know what a jumbotron was until last night,” he said. "Wait. That didn't sound right."

The blazing heat, combined with the unmistakable scent of stale performative rage and expired relevance, might have kept turnout low, according to the county's last functioning newspaper.

"We're deeply concerned," reads a statement from PETA. "One lapse in security will upset their entire digestive tract."

"He'll win his seat again... Nobody likes him. He's never really done anything to speak of. But it's Oregon, he's starting out with $5 million, and Democrat voters here have the IQs of turnips."

"It's only $6 for a seven-day permit and yes, it's anything that floats," said Kotek.

President Trump praised Mrs. Netanyahu’s fashion-forward diplomacy: “Sara looked STUNNING. Brightest light on the tarmac. Airports LOVE her. Planes follow her naturally—some people just have that MAGNETISM.”

"She always had the range," say concert promoters for the High-Pitched and Partisan Tour.

"Woke Eye, Won't Lie!" The condition, dubbed Oculoprogessivitus, reportedly presents in two main forms.

The list of items acceptable to light on fire in Portland include American Flags, Crack Pipes, Teslas, Tom McCall Waterfront Park...

Dexter was previously caught on camera screaming that she wanted to "f--k" Trump, leaving constituents confused about her conflicting messaging.