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For his part, the Brain released a statement through his campaign office: “The same thing we do every night: defend ourselves in court, then try to take over the world.”

“We’re going to build escalators so strong, so stable, that no Soros bolt, no China screw, no crooked step will ever target us again. They’ll be American escalators, folks — the best escalators. Everyone says so.”

Economists estimate the chain’s growth potential as nearly limitless, citing Los Angeles encampments, San Francisco sidewalks, and Sacramento’s Capitol Park as “Tier One mining zones.”

Republicans, however, took a different view. “Honestly, it makes sense,” said one GOP precinct committee person in Tillamook. “If you look up ‘crapweasel’ in the dictionary, Cyrus’s photo is already there. At least he’s finally owning it.”

Senior generals, who once complained about “too many Zoom calls,” are now required to duel for seating priority during briefings.

Vegas oddsmakers immediately set Sonnen as the heavy favorite, noting Drazan’s “glass jaw from the 2022 campaign trail.”

“I used to numb patients before drilling. Now I’ll just numb taxpayers before raising their taxes and fees every change I get. It’s practically the same procedure." "Besides," he continued, "I'm much better suited to the party represented by a giant jackass logo,"

Kennedy, unimpressed, doubled down: “The odds are decidedly not in their favor.”

Kotek's location was kept secret for her safety, according to staff, as Kotek faces widespread public ire. Other solutions were available to the ODOT shortfalls, which could have avoided tax hikes. Both the solutions and the feedback were ignored by the governor.

Eyewitnesses say the unlikely duo stormed the main stage, their identical haircuts shimmering under the conference lights like two carbon-neutral helmets of destiny.

So now, while families wonder how to cover rent or buy groceries, and counties lose key funds, I’ll stay focused on telling you nothing will turn out fine and I'll make sure your roads are sheets of ice ... unless you let me tax you to death. Then everything will be great.

Oregon Governor Tina Kotek has introduced a plan she calls "Stop the Pop" to the agenda of the August 29 special session. The potential legislation is intended to prevent the blast of the Axial Seamount, an underwater volcano showing signs of impending eruption. The last time the Axial Seamount erupted was in 2015.

Sports analysts are already weighing in. “Statistically, this gives Kelce a 100% success rate in the ring department this season,” said one ESPN commentator. “That’s better than his postseason average.”

Leaked White House scheduling documents described the gathering as “High-Level Interdimensional Diplomacy — Round One,” while aides quietly labeled it “Finish Him? (Y/N).”

The company also confirmed that rocking chairs will remain in most locations, but they will be nailed to the floor in the fight against ableism.

"What the skibidi are they thinking?" is how one 16-year-old protestor reacted to the concert lineup for the Oregon State Fair this year. "They're delulu if they think I'm spending my allowance on this."

Shares of AquaBeyond, once touted as “the Beyond Meat of water,” plunged 95% over the past twelve months, erasing billions in market value. “We underestimated the consumer’s attachment to wetness..."

The film, tentatively titled “Indiana Jones and the Lost Approval Rating,” is rumored to be a low-budget streaming exclusive produced by a start-up studio funded by relief funds intended for Palisades Fire victims.